A Day Without A Head Peacekeeper
by 1-1 Marines
Summary: Based off a Duffelblog article called "A Day Without A First Sergeant"; credit goes to them for inspiring this work. Rated for language. One shot, and it's also short since it's written as a newspaper article.


**ME: A/N: This is based off a Duffelblog article called "A Day Without A First Sergeant."**

**Panem National Gazette **

DISTRICT 12-Finally, a movie about the Peacekeeping Force that both your Sergeant Major and your Head Peacekeeper want to see.

Peacekeepers in District 12 recently attended the premiere of the new mock documentary film, "A Day Without A Head Peacekeeper." The film explores what would happen if younger Peacekeepers got their wish and woke up one day to find all their roundly-ridiculed and hated Head Peacekeepers plus their second-in-command, staff and aides suddenly disappeared.

The film is an independently produced non-profit and marks the directorial debut of Head Peacekeeper of the Armies Gaius Augustus.

It begins on a Monday...a Monday just like any others, except at the Peacekeeping Complex of District 12.

"Marsdamn all of you worthless motherfuckers!" yelled Head Peacekeeper (Major General) Romulus Thread at the 12th Peacekeeping Battalion. "I spent my entire weekend dealing with drunk and disorderlies, Ninja Punching you for getting into drinking contests with that disgrace of a Victor Haymitch Abernathy and dealing with local unwed mothers you impregnated asking for child support!"

"You know what?" He yelled, turning beat red as he paced back and forth. "Go to hell, all of you! I'm too old for this bullshit, I quit!" Thread then stormed off, leaving a battalion of bewildered Peacekeepers in his wake.

He didn't show up along with his second-in-command, staff or aides. In fact, all their equivalents in Panem quit.

The rest of the film then realistically explores the consequences of our Nation having to live without Head Peacekeepers, their second-in-command, staff or aides. Most of the film is seen from the perspective of a Captain whose first name is Purnia (the actress is an actual Peacekeeper, but only played her part when they agreed not to release her surname), the Battalion Adjutant who is left in charge of the entire unit after literally every officer of equal or higher rank in the 12th's Headquarters and Service Company disappear to chase down a group of AWOL Peacekeepers who can't be sent to correctional custody because no one in the battalion remembers how to file the paperwork.

"Playing my character-who was creatively named after me-is basically a descent into madness," says Purnia, the star actress of the movie. "Every day barbarian bandits are camping out in the Appalachian Mountains, getting stronger. Meanwhile I'm eating poached game from the local black market every day and not policing the Complex for cigarette butts, getting weaker."

While Purnia is able to deal with problematic junior enlisted by ordering Corporal Darius (whose last name was also withheld) to push them down the stairs, she has no idea how to deal with the "good idea fairy" officers in her compatriots who frequently wonder why none of the NCOs or even enlisted are listening to their idiotic thoughts before proceeding to issue a series of pointless and contradictory orders; said orders must be obeyed by all subordinates in accordance with the Law of Panem.

Worse, after a few days Purnia has to start dealing with a gaggle of unshaven overweight PFCs who emerge from their traditional burrowing grounds in the E-Club and the base theater, and suddenly start picking up rank because of low promotion scores and since no one knows how to non-rec them.

If the film has any real weak spots and/or noticeable plot holes, it's that Purnia spends the rest of the film standing at parade rest, even when the battalion office is burning down.

As Head Peacekeeper of the Armies Augustus explains, the climax comes when Purnia is besieged by an group of angry junior enlisted who can't go on leave since no one knows how to properly submit a leave request, an angrier group still waiting on their awards to be processed, and a homicidal group of freshly-minted Lieutenants clutching badly-written fitness reports.

The movie ends in a post-apocalyptic orgy of burning barracks, alcohol abuse, and Hunger Games Simulator (based off the North American Era game Grand Theft Auto), commonly-known in the Peacekeeping Force as a "96."

Of course Headquarters Peacekeeping Force has assured Panem Gazette that the events in the film could never happen in real life. Ever since even before the Dark Days, the Peacekeeping Force has always kept at least two Head Peacekeepers (both of whom have to, at minimum, be Brigadier Generals) in a secure bomb-proof shelter in case of a nuclear war or other cataclysmic event, to ensure an orderly police call in the aftermath.

The Head Peacekeeper of the Armies has already confirmed he is working on a sequel, seen from the perspective of a Head Peacekeeper who suddenly has to make his own coffee and file all his own paperwork, called "Aide Appreciation Day." Apparently his own aides serve as the screenwriters.

"A Day Without A Head Peacekeeper" is rated R, due to salty language and a fundamental lack of good order and discipline. Moviegoers are advised that the 3-D version contains multiple knife-hands which may cause flashbacks from any veterans in the audience.

**ME: This story is more or less, like I said before, based off a Duffelblog article. Of course, I gave said article more than a few twists to fit within the Hunger Games universe.**


End file.
